River Mist Lifts a Difficult Moment...

I rarely drive, I prefer being the passenger when Chris and I go out. So when I do drive, it's usually alone, for a work meeting or running errands. It's not a common thing for me to have passengers, unless I'm taking the boys for haircuts......Anyway...

The route that goes down our street goes pass the big bus terminal then leads a good cpl miles all along the river to home.

I so often picked Cleo​ up from there to bring her home when she had a break from school in Montreal. She would jump in the car and just start to rattle off all the things she had to tell me about.
This professor or that project...Who she had met lately  and what was new .... OR.... We would Crank up the Heavy Metal and enjoy the ride till we got home LOL...

Those were really the only times I was driving while someone else was actually in the car with me....On that route home from the bus...it was always with Cleo...

As I was coming home from my work meeting today, going down that route realizing it had been a long time since I had............It hit me that she was missing beside me , rattling on like she should be...It was so hard.. and harder still knowing it will never happen again...that ride home with Cleo from the bus terminal...

As tears streamed down my face, I cranked up DISTURBED  and looked at the river. Then noticed it had this weird fog or mist floating around it...It was almost 5pm....An odd time for a fog or mist...So I turned down a side road to an empty park flanking the river. 

Although I didn't have my Canon I still wanted to try and get a few photos of the cool mist in the air with the iPhone. 

Clearing my head surrounded by some nature seemed like a really good idea at the time as well.

These photos certainly don't do justice to my surrounding but being there to take them , along with some deep breaths helped me today. Click photos to view larger .

There's such beauty, even during the grey days and dark moments.....

My Pocket Pharmacy

I'm always puttering with something. Inventing or improving on ideas that rattle around in my head. So the other day,  I was putting a gift together. It consisted of many little things. Small bottles & containers of things like Headache Oil, Antiseptic Ointment, better Vapo-Rub, Lip Balm etc..All these are made by me. My conundrum was that they could easily get lost, or end up here and there, and not used for that very reason. So I started looking around my things for a small bag of sorts to hold all these conveniently together...
So as I rifled through a drawer of scraps, I found some jean pockets I had cut of a pair ..and the wheels started to turn...and an idea was born...

Bare in mind most projects I do HAVE TO BE SIMPLE...If things become too complicated I usually won't bother OR look for ways to simplify.

I first started with this....2 Jean pockets I just sewed together ..Making it a compact 3 pocket bag of sorts. With a fabric ribbon sewed on so one could hang or loop through a belt or attach to anything.

So once this was done I thought I could do better....I had a pair of cargo pants that Chris never wore put aside...and remembered all the great pockets they had....So I had some fun cutting them up! These pants got me 6 pockets!! ...

 

 

These light weight cargo pants are perfect for this idea...These had 6 pockets. So I decided to keep some of the elastic waist band for a cpl of these bags...again ...It has to be easy...

Once cut out, you can do whatever you want. Just cut around edges and sew them as you like...

I paired the pockets as I wanted. Right sides together...You can see the dark pen marks to show where I plan to sew...I also kept the belt that was sewed into the pants. I cut and sewed pieces of the belt to make a loop for each...

Voila, 3 different bags...that you can put anything in! Each of these pockets had an outer pocket on them so essentially, each of these bags have the deep inside pocket, and another Velcro bag on the outside of each bag also...plus another tiny one on the other one...(Yes, cargo pants make for the best pockets!) The smallest of the 3 has 5 pockets in all! This is why I did this in the first place and called them Pocket Pharmacy...All the stuff below fits easily into this bag  including the small box of Band-Aids  ....with lot's of room for more ..

 

This one didn't have the waist band on it so I sewed a small Velcro squares on the inside so one can close it ...You can also see the 2 additional pockets on the outside ... 

So here you have My Pocket Pharmacy

Everything in one convenient spot ...made from pockets taken off discarded pants!

I love up cycling!

 

 

Four Months.....and it's Christmas...

It's been 4 months since Cleo died. It's still so raw. My world isn't what it used to be..and there's no going back...but forward is so damn hard. Yes, each breath follows another, each step brings space but each moment, each second, each splice of time cuts deeper as the realization that my Cleo is gone. Even after 4 months it's still so difficult to comprehend.
It's harder .......The word bereft comes to mind. ..Until just now I hadn't realized how fitting a description that word really holds... (Definition = to deprive and make desolate, especially by death ..)
The word bereft itself, kind of sounds like the wind has been violently knocked out of you . It's true...and the waves keep coming....You keep getting kicked in the gut...by whatever triggers it. With each hit resulting in trying to keep it together.  To not fall on the floor from the blast...Suck it in, hide your face....wipe those tears, try to calm the heart that's beating hard against your chest...it hurts so much.
It's just not OK, it's all wrong and no one should ever go through this.....

Yesterday we got most of our xmas shopping done...and I can say for a fact that I can't wait for this season to be over....Yes, I realize that it's normal for anyone to have a difficult time during the holidays after a loved one is gone....Normal doesn't make it easy.

Shopping for my niece's son, took us to Toys R Us .yesterday..BAD IDEA!.... I had to hide in a few corners to get under control. Any child and parent, triggers me...I see Mom's and their kids, big or small, I think of Cleo at those ages, or I think of the children she could have had one day ...Of all the joy I would have had spoiling a grandchild...I think of all that emptiness ahead of me without it...Chris coined it best when he came into the store after parking the car to find me hiding in the empty book section...gathering myself...and said...Each store is like a trial by fire ..

I absolutely realize that I have so much to be thankful for...believe me! I have such a wonderful husband who has been my rock. He's managed to be right there like magic when I need him the most...As I turn around to hide from sudden gut wrenching sorrow , he's right there to shield my tears. As I start to crack at the food court in the mall hearing a baby laugh...He makes me laugh ...As I throw myself into projects to keep myself busy throughout long sleepless nights...to numb my thoughts ...He's there to pick up the slack when I finally do fall into bed exhausted...I could go on and on ...but none of us have that kind of time.....I don't know what or how I could have gotten this far without him....

I have been so moved by the letters and cards I've received by ppl I haven't seen or heard from in more yrs then I can count...their thoughtfulness unbounding while reaching out to touch my heart with a written hug....Other family and friends have been wonderful and I think my lucky stars for having them in my life.
There's a BUT coming....yes, there always is isn't there.....I have to be honest...I was more hurt by some cards I received that had no mention or a tiny acknowledgement  of Cleo's passing like it didn't even happen.....I don't care if it's a cheery bright sparkling Xmas card...singing Merry Christmas! If there's a tiny message inside saying...I know this is a difficult time of year for you..or I hope u can find some joy during the hard parts of this time of yr...or You are in my thoughts...or even mention my daughter by name!!  like ...Cleo will be missed.......Anything is better then .......NOTHING at all!!  I so pray that I haven't made that same mistake with others in the past ...Of course I realize that no one has meant to hurt, they have diligently filled out their list of xmas cards for another year.

As I pear over photos of past Christmas' and smile through tears of happy memories I am reminded of the gift of time I had with my only child. Of the joys of magical times when Santa left cookie crumbs on the plate and grabbed the carrots left for the reindeer before dashing off to the next house . My beautiful Cleo was so special, she was as excited if not more so to get tools with a workbench as she was to get  Barbie dolls and kitchen stuff! LOL

 In our home,  like when I was a child, we always woke her at the strike of midnight once Santa had come...His special gift was always set up and ready to play, not wrapped, just there on display ...it was the same for me as a child...Those sleepy eyes opened up wide at that moment of surprised magic seeing Santa had been there and left that special toy! Being allowed up during the wee  hours of the night opening gifts, snacking on yummy food and finally falling back into bed knowing we could all sleep in later .................Yes, that's our Christmas tradition ...and those are the memories that I shall hold dear to my heart for the yrs ahead... Take a moment to cherish yours ......

.......................................................................Joyeux Noel ..................................................