Ok, I usually try to make light or funny out of everything. I hope for the most part that I can make ppl either crack a smile or when serious I can make them think. Today however I am just going to ......BE... for lack of a better word.
It has not been a fun day. I had my annual checkup today. I did all the blood work needed 2 weeks ago in order to have them at my doctor's desk today. I sat down and she looks over the results to look up and say...."You are officially DIABETIC"....
CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!.........Yeah you guessed it. I am thrilled. I am totally to blame and it makes me very angry with myself, my body, my world, my planet, my everything. I am also sad, frustrated, scared, and just feel like crying. To top that off with the proverbial cherry..I am weak and tired cause I am "severely ANEMIC"...atleast it explains many things that I felt so guilty about. Having no energy, lethargy and unable to get stuff done is now better understood when diagnosed . Proper treatment can only help with that now.
I must sound very self centered and maybe dramatic at the moment and I would agree. I have been told this only hours ago. I am still feeling the emotions of ajustment. I brought home a blood monitor thingy, 200 tab thingys that read my blood, 200 needles needed to prick my finger 4 times a day. I also have new medication I have to take 3 times a day to control my glucose levels and another pill medication of iron 2 times a day. I have an appointment to see a dietician next week aswell. YAY I am so excited....NOT. ...Now all this adds to the other meds I already take . Yup it gets better....I take something for my under active thyroid and for reflux I need Nexium, and last but not least I take Lipator for high cholesterol. So in all I have 5 meds to take everyday and I am all of 41 years old. I am also responsible for all this. I have been great about taking care of everyone else but I sure as hell don't take care of me.
I hope that other then just a very boring read, maybe this post may make just one person sit back and take stalk of what can happen if they are like me and not taken care of themselves .
I haven't been taking care of myself for many years. I eat . Yes that's it. I eat. I just don't choose what I eat, with much care. I enjoy all foods and I learned yrs ago that diets make ppl fat. I started the yoyo diet plan yrs ago when all I weighed was only 150lbs ...Had I only known then what I know now...but hindsight is always 20/20.
I know that every diet only causes a person to lose weight and then to gain it all back and more . Only 1% of the earth's population ever SUCCEED in any given diet . What eventually happens to many is we just keep getting bigger and bigger. Those odds are hard to beat. I also agree though that I am totally responsible for where I am now.
I gave up. I just totally gave up. I could justify not dieting. I am right about the odds, I studied all the answers yrs ago. I have been on a waiting list for Gastric Bypass. It has been approximately 5 yrs now. I have also used that as an excuse to not care what I ate in the meantime. Granted I never thought it would be this long a wait. I should have bucked up a long time ago. ...I didn't.
I can be proud of only one thing as I sit here today. In regards to my health that is. I have many other things to be proud of but we aren't on that now..... I quite smoking over 4 months ago. I was a pack and a half a day smoker. That is one HUGE battle waged. I gained over 20 lbs since then but I can understand it. At the weight I am, it would be silly to freak about that.Last april I became so sick with severe respitory distress to scare me enough to quite smoking there and then. I hope that this day will help me to get the rest of my shit together.
I have everything to gain ...(except more weight lol) by letting this scare me into action. If anything at all, I should start by caring about me. I am already so blessed to have a man that loves me more then anyone ever has. Who will be at my side during all this, and help me as much as he can. I know some may say I need to do it on my own. I agree that I ultimately have to be the one to control what I do but I also have to face the simple fact that had I all the control I need and the strength to do everything I want...I wouldn't be in this predicament now would I. I am ready to accept help. I need to step up and just DO IT.
I now take a deep breath and hope to god that the few very close friends I have will be there a year from now. I know it won't be easy. I know I will be a bitch at times. Hopefully I can vent that in chat towards the ass potatoes . I also know that all this will make for blog fodder in the future . I hope to make it more amusing then today. Maybe more enjoyable to read then this one...lol...........Today was just one of those days you would erase if you could .
Just bare with me.................
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Monday, September 13, 2004
Self Reassurance??
I really needed to assure myself that I was working with a full deck so to speak. I, like so many parents, tend to second guess myself. I guess if I didn't , it would mean I didn't really care whether I was always doing the right thing or not.
Luckily there are so many different resources available today . We can obtain invaluable input and information. Gain a deeper understanding on our own psyche thus better able to continue with confidence and strength for future endeavors.
I am now ready to forge ahead. This important test has opened my horizons and given me the courage to see myself as strong and wise. I found all the reassurances I needed and it feels absolutely incredible! I invite you all to take this important test. I felt the need to share the wealth of its infinite wisdom. If it could change my life, it will most certainly change yours aswell.
Find your inner Smurf!
Luckily there are so many different resources available today . We can obtain invaluable input and information. Gain a deeper understanding on our own psyche thus better able to continue with confidence and strength for future endeavors.
I am now ready to forge ahead. This important test has opened my horizons and given me the courage to see myself as strong and wise. I found all the reassurances I needed and it feels absolutely incredible! I invite you all to take this important test. I felt the need to share the wealth of its infinite wisdom. If it could change my life, it will most certainly change yours aswell.
Friday, September 10, 2004
I CAN PLAY THAT GAME TOO
In an earlier post I referred to our children as demon spawn. Well tonight my daughter proved me right. Her horns veered their ugly head...somehow that phrase sounds backasswards....shouldn't that be, her head veered it's ugly horns?...OK, so it weren't purdy !!
Young teens will start to test the waters, heck all children do from day one. The balancing act parents play is precarious at best. One thing is for sure though. The younger they are the smaller the problem. The older they get the bigger the problems. Now lets face it , 14 is the age of pending disaster . So if ever there was a time to dawn my shield to deflect the arrows of anarchy...it's now....God knows it's just going to get a lot worse.
Now as a parent faced with each new level of the proverbial power struggle, it is imperative I meet her straight on. Whatever she throws at me I can deflect or plan a counter attack using the wisdom accrued by honing my parental skills. That oxymoron in itself can only help me assume I can affectively practice GUERILLA WARFARE FOR PARENTS.
Now its very important to pick your battles. I choose to overlook the landfill that is her room atleast until its laundry day. It's her space . I figure live and let live. I do not make a big deal about the stupid stuff. Sure I have to remind her to pick up her damn back pack in the middle of the floor. I hooked a foot in the strap walking by one time and went flying. A few inches to the left and I am sure it would have taken surgery to remove the dog dish from my face. Then the few times I have walked in through the front door and half way in , it stops short but I keep going so my face gets plastered against the door cause it jams up over a running shoe left just infront of it. I could go on , but I think you get the picture.
Where I do draw the line or put on the armor is when she is disrespectful or disdainful. I will not put up with her using a bad attitude or answer back like I was one of her peers. If I lose the battle now in basic respect I lose the war for the rest of the difficult teen years.
Let me finally tell you what actually happened today. It started off as a very normal day. When she got home from school, I asked her to empty the dishwasher . A little later I asked her to empty the dish washer before I started supper. So as I serve the supper I tell her AGAIN that as soon as she is done eating she better empty the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen. Ofcourse she mumbles yeah yeah .
Now this is a common thing...I know many parents aren't as patient as I but I always have an ace up my sleeve. I would also like to assure everyone that I am not a tyrannical parent that gives chores to my child comparative to slave labor. She does not get up at the crack of dawn to feed chickens or milk cows and muck out the stalls in the barn. Ok so we don't have a farm but still. You won't find her on all fours washing floors in ragged clothes. Or cleaning out the fireplace after she has chopped the wood to replenish it. That reminds me, does anyone know what the best tool is to beat rugs with? I digress, where was I? .....Oh right.....I ask for the basic courtesy's of picking up after herself and doing the dishes ...which means filling and emptying the dishwasher (a luxury I didn't have growing up) and washing up the kitchen and the few things that have to be done by hand.
So to get back to what I was saying. The evening progresses and yes I have asked her yet again, then....... Oh yeah, the phone rings and it is a friend of my daughter's. Can you see my ace showing yet? So my daughter comes bouncing out of her room to ask if she can go out with her two girlfriends. I bet you all figured out what my answer was. A resounding NOOOOO.
Can you just hear the "BUT WHY?"mom. I calmly tell her that I was tired of repeating myself about the dishes when I shouldn't even have to tell her once, given it's her regular chore. Had she just been able to get it done maybe she would be going out with friends. I also pointed out that I had no reason to be nice if she can't also return the favour. Privileges are earned and she did not earn the outing based on her disregard shown at my repeated request.
She went back to her room in a huff to tell her friends that it wasn't going to happen and I am sure to add what a witch her mom was. I then called her out of her room to finally do the dishes. She then told me "I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!'".......do I have to tell you it was not in the best tone of voice either? ...THAT was my crossed line.
I calmly went to her room. I told her to shut off the computer and tv, both being privileges she just lost. Then I suggested she put a few clothes for the weekend in a bag. She was going to her dad's house for the weekend. I refused to be treated that way or put up with her ATTITUDE because I had the gall to say NO to her . If she wanted to test me and push my buttons, she had better learn now that she wasn't going to win. She said I couldn't force her to go anywhere and that she wasn't putting any clothes in a bag. I told her that was fine. I put a few things in a bag. Then calmly told her that she had two choices. Either she decided to put some shoes on to go with me to her dad's house or she chooses to continue this bad attitude and realize that as generous and loving a mother I could be, I was also a total bitch from hell if provoked and she would lead a life of total misery for the next week if she had too. You want to play that game daughter, I can play too.....she had 5 minutes to decide what it was gonna be.
She chose to angrily stalk out of her room and proceed putting her shoes on. I am glad so ask her if she is ready to go. She informs me she will be walking. It is across town and it is now very dark out so there is NO WAY she is walking to her dads . I tell her asmuch but she is already out the door in a huff. I take a deep breath , get my keys and start off to follow her. I catch up with her and through the open windows tell he to get in. She says NO....I tell her that it will look pretty stupid if she continues to walk alongside the vehicle while I am going the same speed as her, all the way . She still refuses. So I decide to call her bluff and click on the hazard lights and just drive along side her . By this time , cars are going around me lol. I am as close to the sidewalk as possible and with the windows down I don't even have to talk loud for her to hear me . Half way there I tell her that she can get in anytime. She tells me NO and that I am a mother hen!!! I laughed and told her that she says that like it's a bad thing. Nothing wrong with not wanting her to walk across town in the dark at her age or any age for that matter. She then tried the *I am never allowed to do anything *card. I laughed again and said...none of this had anything to do with that. This was all about not wanting to do the dishes, then being called on it when she wanted something from me. But ultimately it was the buttons she pushed in testing the limits of how far I would let her go. If I let her get away with that kind of tone now and the upper hand in winning the walk battle, I might aswell throw up the white flag now.
So rather then do that, I diligently used my hazard lights , drove at 4 mph next to her ALL THE WAY to her dads. I have to say I am surprised at her determination/pigheadedness. Had it been me, at that age, I would have caved near the beginning from the sheer mortification of the situation lol. I have to hand it to her for persistence in just wanting to piss me off by walking and hand it to myself for not letting her get that satisfaction lol. Once at her dads she just went straight to her room and I spoke to her dad who already knew we were on our way. Needless to say he was glad I did what I did, we atleast agree on most things concerning our daughter. I also repeated the fact that rather then scream at her all weekend I would much prefer we both chill out before things got worse.
Some may not agree with my method. Some may even think it was silly. I believe I handled it the best way I knew how. I earned a few nicks in my armour but I would rather have those now then have huge gashes later . Our children will make our hearts bleed and it is a never ending learning process along the way. I think if we just try to use good logic and persistance, some humour and humility, maintain a mutual respect that will only teach them how to respect others .....maybe , just maybe we can get through the teen years and still have a decent relationship with our kids along the way...........let's hope anyway, it won't be from lack of trying or dropping the ball of parenthood.
Young teens will start to test the waters, heck all children do from day one. The balancing act parents play is precarious at best. One thing is for sure though. The younger they are the smaller the problem. The older they get the bigger the problems. Now lets face it , 14 is the age of pending disaster . So if ever there was a time to dawn my shield to deflect the arrows of anarchy...it's now....God knows it's just going to get a lot worse.
Now as a parent faced with each new level of the proverbial power struggle, it is imperative I meet her straight on. Whatever she throws at me I can deflect or plan a counter attack using the wisdom accrued by honing my parental skills. That oxymoron in itself can only help me assume I can affectively practice GUERILLA WARFARE FOR PARENTS.
Now its very important to pick your battles. I choose to overlook the landfill that is her room atleast until its laundry day. It's her space . I figure live and let live. I do not make a big deal about the stupid stuff. Sure I have to remind her to pick up her damn back pack in the middle of the floor. I hooked a foot in the strap walking by one time and went flying. A few inches to the left and I am sure it would have taken surgery to remove the dog dish from my face. Then the few times I have walked in through the front door and half way in , it stops short but I keep going so my face gets plastered against the door cause it jams up over a running shoe left just infront of it. I could go on , but I think you get the picture.
Where I do draw the line or put on the armor is when she is disrespectful or disdainful. I will not put up with her using a bad attitude or answer back like I was one of her peers. If I lose the battle now in basic respect I lose the war for the rest of the difficult teen years.
Let me finally tell you what actually happened today. It started off as a very normal day. When she got home from school, I asked her to empty the dishwasher . A little later I asked her to empty the dish washer before I started supper. So as I serve the supper I tell her AGAIN that as soon as she is done eating she better empty the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen. Ofcourse she mumbles yeah yeah .
Now this is a common thing...I know many parents aren't as patient as I but I always have an ace up my sleeve. I would also like to assure everyone that I am not a tyrannical parent that gives chores to my child comparative to slave labor. She does not get up at the crack of dawn to feed chickens or milk cows and muck out the stalls in the barn. Ok so we don't have a farm but still. You won't find her on all fours washing floors in ragged clothes. Or cleaning out the fireplace after she has chopped the wood to replenish it. That reminds me, does anyone know what the best tool is to beat rugs with? I digress, where was I? .....Oh right.....I ask for the basic courtesy's of picking up after herself and doing the dishes ...which means filling and emptying the dishwasher (a luxury I didn't have growing up) and washing up the kitchen and the few things that have to be done by hand.
So to get back to what I was saying. The evening progresses and yes I have asked her yet again, then....... Oh yeah, the phone rings and it is a friend of my daughter's. Can you see my ace showing yet? So my daughter comes bouncing out of her room to ask if she can go out with her two girlfriends. I bet you all figured out what my answer was. A resounding NOOOOO.
Can you just hear the "BUT WHY?"mom. I calmly tell her that I was tired of repeating myself about the dishes when I shouldn't even have to tell her once, given it's her regular chore. Had she just been able to get it done maybe she would be going out with friends. I also pointed out that I had no reason to be nice if she can't also return the favour. Privileges are earned and she did not earn the outing based on her disregard shown at my repeated request.
She went back to her room in a huff to tell her friends that it wasn't going to happen and I am sure to add what a witch her mom was. I then called her out of her room to finally do the dishes. She then told me "I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!'".......do I have to tell you it was not in the best tone of voice either? ...THAT was my crossed line.
I calmly went to her room. I told her to shut off the computer and tv, both being privileges she just lost. Then I suggested she put a few clothes for the weekend in a bag. She was going to her dad's house for the weekend. I refused to be treated that way or put up with her ATTITUDE because I had the gall to say NO to her . If she wanted to test me and push my buttons, she had better learn now that she wasn't going to win. She said I couldn't force her to go anywhere and that she wasn't putting any clothes in a bag. I told her that was fine. I put a few things in a bag. Then calmly told her that she had two choices. Either she decided to put some shoes on to go with me to her dad's house or she chooses to continue this bad attitude and realize that as generous and loving a mother I could be, I was also a total bitch from hell if provoked and she would lead a life of total misery for the next week if she had too. You want to play that game daughter, I can play too.....she had 5 minutes to decide what it was gonna be.
She chose to angrily stalk out of her room and proceed putting her shoes on. I am glad so ask her if she is ready to go. She informs me she will be walking. It is across town and it is now very dark out so there is NO WAY she is walking to her dads . I tell her asmuch but she is already out the door in a huff. I take a deep breath , get my keys and start off to follow her. I catch up with her and through the open windows tell he to get in. She says NO....I tell her that it will look pretty stupid if she continues to walk alongside the vehicle while I am going the same speed as her, all the way . She still refuses. So I decide to call her bluff and click on the hazard lights and just drive along side her . By this time , cars are going around me lol. I am as close to the sidewalk as possible and with the windows down I don't even have to talk loud for her to hear me . Half way there I tell her that she can get in anytime. She tells me NO and that I am a mother hen!!! I laughed and told her that she says that like it's a bad thing. Nothing wrong with not wanting her to walk across town in the dark at her age or any age for that matter. She then tried the *I am never allowed to do anything *card. I laughed again and said...none of this had anything to do with that. This was all about not wanting to do the dishes, then being called on it when she wanted something from me. But ultimately it was the buttons she pushed in testing the limits of how far I would let her go. If I let her get away with that kind of tone now and the upper hand in winning the walk battle, I might aswell throw up the white flag now.
So rather then do that, I diligently used my hazard lights , drove at 4 mph next to her ALL THE WAY to her dads. I have to say I am surprised at her determination/pigheadedness. Had it been me, at that age, I would have caved near the beginning from the sheer mortification of the situation lol. I have to hand it to her for persistence in just wanting to piss me off by walking and hand it to myself for not letting her get that satisfaction lol. Once at her dads she just went straight to her room and I spoke to her dad who already knew we were on our way. Needless to say he was glad I did what I did, we atleast agree on most things concerning our daughter. I also repeated the fact that rather then scream at her all weekend I would much prefer we both chill out before things got worse.
Some may not agree with my method. Some may even think it was silly. I believe I handled it the best way I knew how. I earned a few nicks in my armour but I would rather have those now then have huge gashes later . Our children will make our hearts bleed and it is a never ending learning process along the way. I think if we just try to use good logic and persistance, some humour and humility, maintain a mutual respect that will only teach them how to respect others .....maybe , just maybe we can get through the teen years and still have a decent relationship with our kids along the way...........let's hope anyway, it won't be from lack of trying or dropping the ball of parenthood.
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