Sometimes , even in public, it's hard to control ones emotions ...
Yesterday was a day for a medical apt for a client and some errands.
After we brought our client back home to the sitter we were off to the hardware store.
I was excited to go get a can of paint for a cpl brainless projects I have lined up. I say brainless because one doesn't need to think while painting furniture lol! I need projects like these to balance out all the complex reading and thinking and trying to LEARN all the other stuff I'm taking in my courses.
As Chris was off to another area of the hardware store I bee lined it for the Christmas Decoration area...I've always loved checking out what's new at the beginning of the xmas season in the big hardware stores...
It's not like I hadn't seen some Christmas decorations before yesterday, I even got some for my product display at the dollar store the other day....
But as I stood among all the Trees and outdoor decorations at Home Depot...The thought of Christmas ....was overwhelming...the thought of pulling out my tree to decorate was overwhelming....the thought of Cleo not being home to quickly put on her new PJ's as soon as she arrives at the house, and to open gifts at midnight on Xmas Eve like we do ....was overwhelming.........
I hadn't even noticed that tears where just streaming down my face...until I turned around and Chris was there just in time, to let me hide my face into his coat and cry....Thankfully there was no one around....
I wish we could just go away for xmas ...to an island paradise far removed from anything that resembles Christmas for us.........
But I can't...my niece Chantal has lost too much herself and has always celebrated Christmas with me since her mom died when she was 10yrs old. I can't bring myself to deny her and her little boy their Christmas....and so it will be.....
2 comments:
Unfortunately there is that "first " of everything. First Christmas, first Birthday, first Mothers Day. It is all hard. Sometimes just Tuesday's are hard. But as you pointed out there are people in your life that need you. And that gets you through. Good thing too, or I probably would have given up if not for them. Don't put too many expectations on yourself, and just take things as they come. Everyone will understand if you have some blue moments. Honestly, I think you are doing marvelously.
If you can get away for a weekend, I know a beautiful bed and breakfast, where the hostess would love to see you two once again. You can have some space to walk, take pictures of the wild life, and just feel what ever wells up inside you at the moment. My treat my friend. Come to NY and come visit me and the family. Will take you back to the Christmas tree store and you can go nuts finding treasures, like only you can.
Love you. My heart aches for you and I am sorry you are so far away. Love that, but not surprised by the fact that Chris was there just at that moment. Be patient with yourself.
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