Four Months.....and it's Christmas...

It's been 4 months since Cleo died. It's still so raw. My world isn't what it used to be..and there's no going back...but forward is so damn hard. Yes, each breath follows another, each step brings space but each moment, each second, each splice of time cuts deeper as the realization that my Cleo is gone. Even after 4 months it's still so difficult to comprehend.
It's harder .......The word bereft comes to mind. ..Until just now I hadn't realized how fitting a description that word really holds... (Definition = to deprive and make desolate, especially by death ..)
The word bereft itself, kind of sounds like the wind has been violently knocked out of you . It's true...and the waves keep coming....You keep getting kicked in the gut...by whatever triggers it. With each hit resulting in trying to keep it together.  To not fall on the floor from the blast...Suck it in, hide your face....wipe those tears, try to calm the heart that's beating hard against your chest...it hurts so much.
It's just not OK, it's all wrong and no one should ever go through this.....

Yesterday we got most of our xmas shopping done...and I can say for a fact that I can't wait for this season to be over....Yes, I realize that it's normal for anyone to have a difficult time during the holidays after a loved one is gone....Normal doesn't make it easy.

Shopping for my niece's son, took us to Toys R Us .yesterday..BAD IDEA!.... I had to hide in a few corners to get under control. Any child and parent, triggers me...I see Mom's and their kids, big or small, I think of Cleo at those ages, or I think of the children she could have had one day ...Of all the joy I would have had spoiling a grandchild...I think of all that emptiness ahead of me without it...Chris coined it best when he came into the store after parking the car to find me hiding in the empty book section...gathering myself...and said...Each store is like a trial by fire ..

I absolutely realize that I have so much to be thankful for...believe me! I have such a wonderful husband who has been my rock. He's managed to be right there like magic when I need him the most...As I turn around to hide from sudden gut wrenching sorrow , he's right there to shield my tears. As I start to crack at the food court in the mall hearing a baby laugh...He makes me laugh ...As I throw myself into projects to keep myself busy throughout long sleepless nights...to numb my thoughts ...He's there to pick up the slack when I finally do fall into bed exhausted...I could go on and on ...but none of us have that kind of time.....I don't know what or how I could have gotten this far without him....

I have been so moved by the letters and cards I've received by ppl I haven't seen or heard from in more yrs then I can count...their thoughtfulness unbounding while reaching out to touch my heart with a written hug....Other family and friends have been wonderful and I think my lucky stars for having them in my life.
There's a BUT coming....yes, there always is isn't there.....I have to be honest...I was more hurt by some cards I received that had no mention or a tiny acknowledgement  of Cleo's passing like it didn't even happen.....I don't care if it's a cheery bright sparkling Xmas card...singing Merry Christmas! If there's a tiny message inside saying...I know this is a difficult time of year for you..or I hope u can find some joy during the hard parts of this time of yr...or You are in my thoughts...or even mention my daughter by name!!  like ...Cleo will be missed.......Anything is better then .......NOTHING at all!!  I so pray that I haven't made that same mistake with others in the past ...Of course I realize that no one has meant to hurt, they have diligently filled out their list of xmas cards for another year.

As I pear over photos of past Christmas' and smile through tears of happy memories I am reminded of the gift of time I had with my only child. Of the joys of magical times when Santa left cookie crumbs on the plate and grabbed the carrots left for the reindeer before dashing off to the next house . My beautiful Cleo was so special, she was as excited if not more so to get tools with a workbench as she was to get  Barbie dolls and kitchen stuff! LOL

 In our home,  like when I was a child, we always woke her at the strike of midnight once Santa had come...His special gift was always set up and ready to play, not wrapped, just there on display ...it was the same for me as a child...Those sleepy eyes opened up wide at that moment of surprised magic seeing Santa had been there and left that special toy! Being allowed up during the wee  hours of the night opening gifts, snacking on yummy food and finally falling back into bed knowing we could all sleep in later .................Yes, that's our Christmas tradition ...and those are the memories that I shall hold dear to my heart for the yrs ahead... Take a moment to cherish yours ......

.......................................................................Joyeux Noel ..................................................