UTTERLY LOST AND TERRIFIED

Words can hardly discribe what a parent goes through when they are faced with the nightmare of their child turning into someone they don't know.

My beautiful, kind, funny, goofy daughter has left the building. In her stead is someone who resembles her but has an empty look in her eyes, a different attitude in her demeanor and a cold tone to her voice.

We knew the teen yrs would not be easy, god knows we were also there once...Under different circumstances I was on my own in an apartment at 16 but that is a whole other post for another day.

The fact is, my daughter has met a whole new crowd...not a very healthy one at that. This happened less then 2 months ago so we started dealing with issues weeks ago. I was blogging about the wedding plans and all but among the joys of that I was dealing with a knot in my stumache concerning other things going on.

She started getting stoned, I saw it almost immediately. They think we parents are totally clueless...they can't fathom that we were once that age or that we can also be in the *know* about a few more things then them.

We then found stuff* hidden in her room. Harder then just pot. I would like to be able to blame the New Friends..and make them responsible for all that is happening with my daughter...they sure have helped BUT she made her own choices here. No one forsed her.

We consulted our friend who is a cop about how to proceed. He has even spoken to schools and parents about drugs and trouble in the past. He had a few good pieces of advise. ...My first instincts were to lock her in a room and swallow the key...and its the last thing I should do. He urged that we talk, we try to discuss, we keep the lines of comunications open, rather then closing them right off the bat. He was kind and caring towards us in explaining that it happens to the best of families. That there are steps that can be taken and tools to gather. I just keep asking myself where we went wrong. I have had the wind knocked out of me...and Chris is at my side trying to breath also. He has grown to love my daughter. My daughter's father has been late in the gate...took him a few clues to realize where we were at...but started taking things seriously.

We all talked to her, each in our own time ...trying to stay calm and open to discussion. Trying to get across to her that we loved her, we were afraid with what is happening, we want to understand...we want to help in any way...and if there was anything we could do to get through these things together.

This was a few weeks before the wedding...I even told her that if in anyway, she had problems with me getting married, although she always got along great with Chris...and I thought it would make a difference, I would cancel everything in a heartbeat...nothing was more important then her.

I also said that we couldn't keep her away from her friends, but we hoped that she would make better decisions. Keep her wits about her...be carefull and not just do any drugs without thinking. If she had any questions, we would find the answers.....all this went in an ear...did it all stick?...who knows...like our friend said...she may not want to say a word, and she hardly did, but the important thing was to say them anyway.

I would also like to blame my daughter dad and his gf for my daughters run to drugs. But again I can't do that either..and again though, it has helped. For the past few yrs since his gf moved in, she seemed to like to be boss...my ex always avoided taking charge solet her do it...this just always alientated Cleo more from the Gf...and it started causing major comflicts...Cleo would try to talk to her dad but instead of listening, he would go into automatic *defending gf mode* and blaming Cleo...it got to a point where she consulted a psychologist at school. It seemed to help and after school was out, we were going to continue with another one outside the school (because she was not allowed to see students outside school)..but she had summer school last yr and then we were off to Alberta and Sask on vacation. She had a great time and things seemed to calm down. She didn't want to consult someone else at that point.

I tryed doing stuff with her and also tryed keeping her busy...for instance, she wanted dance lessons, she got them. She wanted to learn the piano, my dad bought her one and started lessons right away. She is very good....She lacks for nothing...part of me wonders if that could also be part of it. She isnt spoiled rotton. She never asked for clothes or money, she hates to shop so she isn't one of those but she also knows we are pleased to get her the few things she does want.

Yes, I am banging my head on the wall....Things have escalated at a very fast pace...in short order, she has lost total respect for us and any rules. Started coming in late, respond rudely, doesn't give a shit about anything. We , Chris and I got a meeting with a centre for Drug action and information in our area. We spent an hour talking about all this and will continue to get councelling on our part to uptain tools and information. We will also be getting Cleo in to see someone at the same time ...She would get her own advocate who she can talk to and who is by law required to keep what ever she says confidential. This is how we sold Cleo the idea, she kinds shrugged and said whatever...I hope that once in there , she will open up. These ppl are trained to know what to do, and hopefully she will want to continue. ...The real pity is that with everyones holidays, we cant go till the 18th.

Her dad means to go there to...but we have been trying to deal with this together...its not perfect but we are comunicating. Cpl weeks ago when she was late and called to say she was staying at a friends house, we said NO WAY.. he called me right away, and it being a night of celebration here in Quebec, thousands of youths and ppl were in a huge part to enjoy the festivities...I told my ex, to grab me in passing and we would go get her together. We did just that. Called her on the cell, told her we were there waiting at the icecream place etc etc...took her and 3 of her friends home. We won that battle together that night.

Already , things are going from bad to worse ...we tryed being open to having her friends over , even had 3 girls sleep over...our thoughts on that were, better here then out there...well, didnt take long to see that..it wasn't really helping...and by association...there were other characters showing up out of the blue...wanting to talk to the other girls etc...come to find out, that they robbed a house across the street...then came to talk to my daughters friend..then left with the bike of the other friend...leaving a pair of shoes they stole from across the street..as if to say, haha we stole your bike but here are shoes for u to walk with.

Through talking to our neighbour cop friend ...who knows the other neighbours...figured out that the shoes belonged to them and they had been robbed of other stuff...They did get all back, only because cops acted fast...it helped I think because we had called the police earlier to report the bike...it seemed to put 2 and 2 together....but we tryed later talking to Cleo about...ppl by association and the problems it could bring. It didn't seem to sink in.

The 2 main friends she has, don't seem to have any time to be in at home, one was here 3 days almost. I could not believe that a parent never called here to ask about her, or to even talk to me and check us out or ask our address. There is no way in hell my daughter would hang out or sleep somewhere I havent talked to first hand. I realize saying that still hasn't prevented what has happened anyway.....I am terrifyed for her.

We started putting our foot down about times and whereabouts. She started to abide by them. Actually coming in a few mins before....We figured out why...She snuck out of the house , from her dad's...but didnt have proof....Then she did it here too....she may have done it a few times but last night was the first I caught it. I had the intuition that I shouldn't go to sleep....I then later went into her room to bring her the dog...and as Cleo often sleeps buried under a mountain of clothes, I thought nothing of it at first, so plopped the dog on her bed and went to give her a kiss while she was sleeping...(cause frankly..its probably the only time I can do that these days)....She was MIA... checked window..was opened a crack with the screen off.

She had slipped out right under my nose....I was even in the living room all evening.
Called her dad, cryed ofcourse and then we agreed that the police should be called. It can only break a parents heart to have to call the cops on their own kid. ...Cops did the rounds, bla bla bla , it was 5:30 am when they picked her up walking home with her 2 friends. They had been drinking. She wasn't drunk at all but I could smell it.

I had to take another stance this time...I told her that if she cared so little for herself I was not about to give up on her regardless...that if I had to call the cops every night I would, if I had to call the numbers of the 2 friends houses to wake them up and be a pain in the ass whether they cared or not, I WOULD......that I had also given numbers from the cell phone bill to the cops of all the numbers I didn't know... with the few names I already new. I also said that I would do anything I could to try and understand what was going on with her, that I would not give up because I loved her. I would be there to help her anytime she needed me but we also wanted some respect. Pulling this crap was just not going to fly. We are on tender hooks now.

If I push to hard, she could run away and we have lost her. If we don't we still lose her.

Give and take with some tolerance thrown in only goes so far. I am walking on razors edge trying to figure out what to do. Thankfully after last night, she didn't leave the house today...I had to go to a hospital appointment with my blind guy and Chris was here today but she didn't try anything. I did manage to get a few hours sleep this morning...Chris worked from midnight to 8 am replacing someone lastnight while this ordeal was unfolding but we were on the phone alot. He took care of the clients this morning when he got home and went to bed after I left for the hospital.

He is gone to work the night shift again...I am steeling myself for another long night...will she ?, won't she?...That is the question.

I had some major experiences growing up and over the yrs...One could think that because of that you would be able to better deal with this kind of thing. As a parent, your objectivity flys out the window..your mind is blank or trying to just breath. I have always been a logical person. I am often the one ppl come to when faced with a problem. I don't know more then anyone else, don't get me wrong but I can often see things with logic that is harder for the person living it. I also try to see things from different perspectives or just find the thread of common sense we sometimes lose along the way. Having said that...this time...like I said...I am totally lost and terrified. I feel helpless and useless all while grasping at straws of help or wisdom.

I realize this has turned into a book....I needed to write it if to only get it off my chest....It is not easy to put on paper any negative writings about ones own child. I only do so in the hope that it can help me put things in some kind of cohesive perspective by writting it out. Hopefully, I can also recieve some helpful advise from anyone who has some out there. Some support or encouragent never hurt either.