Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Can I just Erase this Day?

Ok, I usually try to make light or funny out of everything. I hope for the most part that I can make ppl either crack a smile or when serious I can make them think. Today however I am just going to ......BE... for lack of a better word.

It has not been a fun day. I had my annual checkup today. I did all the blood work needed 2 weeks ago in order to have them at my doctor's desk today. I sat down and she looks over the results to look up and say...."You are officially DIABETIC"....

CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!.........Yeah you guessed it. I am thrilled. I am totally to blame and it makes me very angry with myself, my body, my world, my planet, my everything. I am also sad, frustrated, scared, and just feel like crying. To top that off with the proverbial cherry..I am weak and tired cause I am "severely ANEMIC"...atleast it explains many things that I felt so guilty about. Having no energy, lethargy and unable to get stuff done is now better understood when diagnosed . Proper treatment can only help with that now.

I must sound very self centered and maybe dramatic at the moment and I would agree. I have been told this only hours ago. I am still feeling the emotions of ajustment. I brought home a blood monitor thingy, 200 tab thingys that read my blood, 200 needles needed to prick my finger 4 times a day. I also have new medication I have to take 3 times a day to control my glucose levels and another pill medication of iron 2 times a day. I have an appointment to see a dietician next week aswell. YAY I am so excited....NOT. ...Now all this adds to the other meds I already take . Yup it gets better....I take something for my under active thyroid and for reflux I need Nexium, and last but not least I take Lipator for high cholesterol. So in all I have 5 meds to take everyday and I am all of 41 years old. I am also responsible for all this. I have been great about taking care of everyone else but I sure as hell don't take care of me.

I hope that other then just a very boring read, maybe this post may make just one person sit back and take stalk of what can happen if they are like me and not taken care of themselves .

I haven't been taking care of myself for many years. I eat . Yes that's it. I eat. I just don't choose what I eat, with much care. I enjoy all foods and I learned yrs ago that diets make ppl fat. I started the yoyo diet plan yrs ago when all I weighed was only 150lbs ...Had I only known then what I know now...but hindsight is always 20/20.

I know that every diet only causes a person to lose weight and then to gain it all back and more . Only 1% of the earth's population ever SUCCEED in any given diet . What eventually happens to many is we just keep getting bigger and bigger. Those odds are hard to beat. I also agree though that I am totally responsible for where I am now.

I gave up. I just totally gave up. I could justify not dieting. I am right about the odds, I studied all the answers yrs ago. I have been on a waiting list for Gastric Bypass. It has been approximately 5 yrs now. I have also used that as an excuse to not care what I ate in the meantime. Granted I never thought it would be this long a wait. I should have bucked up a long time ago. ...I didn't.

I can be proud of only one thing as I sit here today. In regards to my health that is. I have many other things to be proud of but we aren't on that now..... I quite smoking over 4 months ago. I was a pack and a half a day smoker. That is one HUGE battle waged. I gained over 20 lbs since then but I can understand it. At the weight I am, it would be silly to freak about that.Last april I became so sick with severe respitory distress to scare me enough to quite smoking there and then. I hope that this day will help me to get the rest of my shit together.

I have everything to gain ...(except more weight lol) by letting this scare me into action. If anything at all, I should start by caring about me. I am already so blessed to have a man that loves me more then anyone ever has. Who will be at my side during all this, and help me as much as he can. I know some may say I need to do it on my own. I agree that I ultimately have to be the one to control what I do but I also have to face the simple fact that had I all the control I need and the strength to do everything I want...I wouldn't be in this predicament now would I. I am ready to accept help. I need to step up and just DO IT.

I now take a deep breath and hope to god that the few very close friends I have will be there a year from now. I know it won't be easy. I know I will be a bitch at times. Hopefully I can vent that in chat towards the ass potatoes . I also know that all this will make for blog fodder in the future . I hope to make it more amusing then today. Maybe more enjoyable to read then this one...lol...........Today was just one of those days you would erase if you could .

Just bare with me.................

7 comments:

~*Kris*~ said...

Moonie...

I feel you...I really do...however...taking responsibility for your actions does not mean you have to beat yourself up for them. Diabetes is a serious issue, however, when you talk to the dietician and get on a plan, you'll see that you will start to lose weight really fast. If you want to know any low or non sugar diabetic treats.. let me know... I know them ALL.

heehee

JustSue said...

Monette, we are here for you, for support, as a sounding board, or just to let you "BE" whenever you want...just as you have always been there for us. 2004 is truly our year for changes. First the smoking, now the health related weight issues. I have tried to eliminate the word diet from my vocabulary, in contrast the words "lifestyle changes" are just a little too hokey and treehuggy for me. I prefer to look on it as I intend to be around to spoil my grandchildren...sugar them up to the gills and hand them back to my son - revenge is sweet and I intend to be around to enjoy it to the max!

Squirrels said...

I know you can do it! You will make it cause you are strong. Chris and your daughter will be there to help you. But even if they weren't, you could do it yourself. It was just a shitty day. Cry and go on. Tell yourself, "I can do this" and "It will be ok". Just like quiting the smoking. After awhile it won't bother you.
:)
We will listen to you gripe, cause we all bitch about something. That's what we do best, and are damn good at it. :)

Anna said...

All I can say is that with your determination all is possible. You are an amazing woman Monette and I know that once you set your mind to doing something you will do it. You have a wonderful man by your side as well as your girlfriends here who are eager to listen and help in anyway we can. Your an inspiration to us all and you don't even know it. >:D<

Shannon said...

Okies, now for my turn at being supportive....

Well, now that my ears are done bleeding....

Yanno who to call. Told you this on the phone, you'll now understand.

I am NOT crazy!

So THERE!

*sticks tongue out at you and runs like hell*

---I'm such a supportive friend *giggles*......I know I know, you'll kick my ass for it later...I just say make sure you got the strength for it, and that you can get your foot up that high. I can run faster scared than you can mad :D (thanks Suebee)

Love said...

Moonie My Dear Friend.. I know the feeling, I was diagnosed in 1995. Over the years I have taken very good care of my children but have let me slide. I lost some weight and am in the midst of quitting smoking myself... All I can say is we can be bitches together. Now, knowing you, I know you can overcome this obsticle. And Sweet One that's all it is. And guess what? There's NO hoops to jump through. We face our weaknesses Everyday. I have all the Faith in the world in you. God Bless.. Talk to you soon!

Anonymous said...

Hi monette,
I guess I have to post annoymously because Im a nonblogger, but I felt it was important. Im with wenchie who said that taking responsibility is one thing, beating yourself up is another. It doesn't do any good looking back. Ive had to change my entire lifestyle and approach to eating this year and it can be done...trust me! Monette maybe it is a woman thing..maybe it is a personality trait among some women but I don't know many women who actually spend their lives thinking of themselves first. I think that is why many of us put on weight, we are just so busy caring for others we put ourselves last. You are right when you say that it is your time to take care of yourself. Im sure you can do anything you put your mind to. In the beginning it will not be easy, but you can do it, and if sometimes you slip up, just move forward. Don't waste time dwelling on failures. We all do it. Since I can't eat any form of sugar anymore without reactions to it, Ive had to find creative ways to rethink my diet. I have a few suggestions when those cravings hit. Just yahoo me. I will always be there for you. Im sorry that you are having to go through this, but it isn't a death sentence..just maybe a wake up call. Consider it a blessing...you know about it now and can do something about it.
I love ya gf...always have!
Kat
aka babyz