Sunday, October 31, 2004


Let me start by saying you are about to enter into the realm of truelly gut renching horror. It is a true story lived by yours truelly. I warn you now of the explicit nature of this tale. Those who are squeemish leave now.

This is not a tail of haunted houses or dark country roads. This is the tale of one of my daily rituals gone horrifically wrong. As I yet again share my experiences about my job with all, I have to state that this day was by far the worse.

I will preface this by informing you all that Luc my new border has a severe constipation problem. With all the fiber that is added to his 3 meals that are then put in a blender and fed to him, this problem is a persistant one. It stands to reason that once every 3rd or 4th day we reep the benefits of said efforts BIG TIME!!

One of my jobs is to also help curb bad behaviour and/or habits he has fostered over time. One of these bad habits is putting his feet up on the toilet seat while sitting on it. Yes he is an adult but he is small of statue and very lean in build. This however does not discount his strength as I will soon atest.

I have been removing him from the t-seat as soon as he puts his feet up. Hoping to teach him that it will not be tolerated and he is just punishing himself from sitting on his favorite (throne) this kind of behaviour in usually derived by being institutionalized. Anyway , sometimes when he goes to the bathroom I stand and wait till he does it again . For those wondering, the door is always open because this person is blind so please don't think I am infringing on his privacy. Walking into doors hurts like a bitch.

As I watch luc this time I am pleased he hasn't put his feet up yet. Just as I was about to praise him he starts to lift them. Isay "NO LUC!" but this time he doesn't stop like he usually does. This time he ignores me. Now I have to remove him from the toilet. I lift him from under his armpit on one side to get him off. Usually he follows and pulls up his pants routinely, he knows the drill. He isn't following the drill, he is using all his weight to stay sitting. I start to pull on his arm and have his butt off the seat while he is counter pulling just as hard to stay there with both feet planted firmly infront of him. At this point I know I can NOT loose the battle . At the same moment I realize this with his ass in the air just above the seat, he craps on the seat! OMG!! Now I just want to throw up! Now I CAN'T let him sit back down or let go cause he will get shit all over himself. He is still pulling and I am still holding on while choking back dry heaves from the stink. As I get more leverage and pull him a few inches closer to me he lets another bomb land SPLAT on the bathroom floor. OH LORD GET ME THROUGH THIS CALAMITY!! I am thinking now he must be done , I just have to get him out of here. I knew he was strong but damn, could just be the extra perpetual power eminating from the back end that's giving him more steam* then usual. I am using all my mite and dry heaving like there is no tomorrow all while trying to focus threw now watery eyes as I watch in amazement, like it was in slow motion, another bomb attack make its way throw the space time continuum falling towards ceramic tile and bathroom rug , bigger then the 2 before it!!!OMG DUCK! I lose some footing to see with horror , Luc steps in the last fresh deposit. His shoe slides forward but in that split second I use that momentum to pull him out of the bathroom. I grab a baby wipe to clean his bum but now he wants his pants up so with one hand I am trying to keep his pants down and bend him over at the same time he is pulling his pants in the opposite direction all while tracking shit all over the hallway outside the bathroom. I finally get his bumb clean, take his shoe off and get him in his room to turn back towards the horror that is my bathroom and hallway. First priority is his shoe. He hates not having it on so I have to be quick to give it back before he starts trapsing back in here . I have the hot water tap in the tub running on the underside of the shoe but it's no use. I need to grab an old toothbrush from under the sink to get the crap out of the running show grooves ewwwww so for now I leave shoe sitting in alittle water to loosen up. I grap a big bag to start picking up the piles of shit on the floor, rince off the rug in the tub to throw in the washer with bleach and boiling water, get the mop and the disinfectant all while coming close to loosing my cookies still dry heaving. The stench is unbeleivable. Adult pooop is not like baby poooop let me assure you. I have to do all this while making sure Luc who is hovering close by wanting his shoe cause he is holding one foot in the air, doesn't come back in till it is all clean. At one point as I am trying to thouroughly clean the grooves in the shoe with the toothbrush , he got too close and stepped in the quickly wiped floor with his sock. I had to remove the sock and the other shoe and sock and sit him down in his room. He didn't much like that but it bought me some time. I was finally able to disinfect everything. Clean the tub. Clean the toilet. Clean the shoe. Rug is washing in washer. Bag of shit is outside. And finally the smell is starting to disappear.

I finally sit down to take a deep breath that it's all over. Phone rings , it's my honey Chris calling from work. I tell him what had just transpired as he and I both laugh, he says " It is the first time in all the 1 1/2 yrs I have lived there that I am glad I wasn't home" ....I said "BITE ME!!!"

Moral of this story.........if you really want a bag of shit to play a prank on Halloween, there are alot EASIER WAYS TO GET IT THAN THIS!!!!


Amanda said...

I dry heaved in sympathy

Scroller said...

Bless you Monette, no one else in this world could pull off writing about the most basic bodily function without loosing dignity.
You certainly have a way about painting a picture with words.
My old nextdoor neighbour used to look after handicapped adults, but I think her favourite bathroom tale was having to fish the mans false teeth before he flushed. Now that leaves a shitty taste in your mouth doesn't it!


Anna said...

OMG, now that was too funny. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Thanks for making my morning Moon, sorry it was at your expense my love ;). *hugs*

Shannon said...

Repeat after me:

"Once you get past the smell you can clean up anything"

Keep saying that until you believe it!

(P.S. It really is true too)

Don't forget the coffee beans and lemons!

Rae said...

wow...that was pretty gross...

Squirrels said...

Moon, I feel sorry for you. I could help you if it was throwing up. I can deal with that. But Poo and Pee, I don't think so. My hats off to you. I could probably do it, but I wouldn't want to. I did my kids and thats as far as I want to go on the whole bottom thing. :) Just pray it doesn't happen again.